I can text with my tongue
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
