I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
