so that wasnt chicken after all
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
