I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize