Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
