I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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