I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize