I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
