i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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