i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize