4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
