Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize