I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
