he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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