Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
