Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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