last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
