i'm signing you up for texting rehab
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
