bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
