i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
