youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
