I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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