If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
