He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im holly from the hills drunk
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
