The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
