hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
