I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
