The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
