my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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