i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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