She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
