I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
