I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
