Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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