I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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