and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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