On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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