Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
