just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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