I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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