There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
