I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
