Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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