So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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