I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
