Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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