I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
not ubering you a puppy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
