Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
