I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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