i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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