How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
