I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
