News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
