The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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