Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
