i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
