If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
