If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
