He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
organizing the empties. That sober.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
