Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
