in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
