Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
