New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
